twenty four.
a year ago i wrote a post like this called “another year older”. it was right after i got home from a “vacation” i called “hell”.
history repeated its self. funny how that happens.
now i am yet “another year older” and feeling exactly the same. my father told me expect the best from this year, the year of the dragon. and after all the bad mixed with all the good that is all i can do.
a year ago i didn’t have absolutely amazing genuine friends or manage a coffee stand and i never expect too so i cannot imagine what will come in the future,
i am nothing but optimistic and grateful for the beautiful situation that is my life even in the worst if times.
happy birthday to me. i dedicate this day to the family and friends who have made me who i am. i love you all.
at the end of the day.
it’s good to be able to say that for some reason i had a really good day today. it doesn’t really matter what the reason is, happiness is the point. when all the littlest things remind you how seriously blessed are.
like when you remember that you do make a tiny difference in peoples days. when you’re able to use your smile or your words to change someones day. i am so blessed to have the opportunity to do this each and everyday. once one of my best friends who i work with said that she does this job because she has the chance to affect each customers day in a positive way. that always stuck w me. it can be hard to always put on an extremely cheerful face (and it doesn’t ALWAYS happen) but it is worth it.
it’s also a really good feeling when you realize how true some (or most, really) of your friendships are. it can be hard to find good people to surround yourself with, that clearly value honesty and being a genuine person. if i am going to put time and energy and emotion into a friendship then i am going to be entirely genuine, and always have your back. i like to go above & beyond for the people in my life because everyone NEEDS to feel cared about. but i expect that kind of behavior in return. it takes a lot for me to write anyone off, but if you are willing to show that you blatently do NOT care i’ll walk away every time. luckily, today i was reminded that this rarely has to happen because i have managed to find awesome people to surround myself that make me incredibly happy.
i’m glad that even in the midst of a storm i can clearly find the light. i have gotten a generally good grasp on my anxiety and am able to focus my energy on the positive. i think today reminded me how strong i can be even in moments of weakness. it’s about time for spring cleaning, and to put certain things behind me and get ready for more amazing months. and now that i feel like i have repeated myself a million times in a single post, i am going to shuuuut up.
XOXO RE
“I guess I’m still just waiting for you to see what I have known in my heart all along.”
pointlessssss.
i wish i wrote in this more…but despite what anyone thinks i really don’t like the sound of my own mind. i either feel whiney and depressed, like i am thinking way too much about the same things over and over, or like i am bragging and trying to put up a front that things are just too good.
the truth is, i am all over the place. i am incredibly grateful for everything i have, everything i have been through, and where it has gotten me. but sometimes i feel like i have too big of a head, like things are too perfect and it makes me conceited. then on a different day i feel like its impossible to keep it together and that i am always just pretending. but i guess in reality these are all just moods and not facts. i like to think that at the end of the day i am just like anyone else. blessed, and happy, but a little uncertain, just trying to do the best i can, and be as genuine as possible.
very soon i need to write a new gratitude list, but i don’t think tonight is the night. i am having a great day, and really happy with the way things are going. but i just finished watching Demi Lovato’s documentary, Stay Strong, and it reminds me where i was a year ago. its scary to think that is can all just slip out from under you so easily. just got me thinking, so i decided to write another pointless blog. okay now i am just deleting, time to stop.
ew. i hate this. (see what i am talking about.) oh well stepping out of my comfort zone. goodnight.
xoxo RE
taking a new approach.
so sadly i think the only time i really use this thing is when i go for a few days completely unable to sleep. that is usually my body or mind telling me there is something wrong. every time i feel like it is for no reason, just anxiety that i will never figure out. but in the end, while i lie here sleepless, there is only ever one thing i can think about, for as long as i can remember. this is insane. sometimes i can’t even believe the words that come out of my mind. it is something i am not sure i will ever understand, and hope not to, because if i could it would only give it validity.
right now, i am frustrated most by the fact that the one person i tried to truly get to see how much i cared about them, did not believe me. and every person since then, that besides being a friend, was only used to take my mind off of that person, seriously believes that i am “obsessed” with them. how is it so easy for me to convince a stranger that i am crazy about them, but yet i am unable to convince the person that pulls at my heart in a way i will never understand?
why is the fact that i know it is completely over, that i had my chance (which is all i ever asked for) and it didn’t work out, not enough for me to drop it. i have always thought that when it comes to this sort of thing i am very logical. i do not want to be w someone who doesn’t care about me. there is nothing attractive about that. when it comes to “dating” i do believe i only want what i can’t have because it is more distracting to play a game of chasing someone. but when it comes to LOVE, opening up and not worrying about getting hurt, i want someone that feels as strongly for me as i know i have been capable of feeling for another. not just more games and manipulations. so why, now and then, in the lowest moments, do i think about you. more so, why does my heart ache for you?
i am kind of astonished at myself right now for being willing to post this for everyone and anyone to read. i 100% believe i sound like a crazy person. but not being able to sleep is a miserable feeling, and as of yet this is the only thing i have found to even attempt at helping me sleep. so oh well. i may be very introverted about most everything else in my life, but this person has never been one of those things.
so back to the subject; taking a new approach. i’m just done. distractions don’t work, i’m starting to believe that when the distractions become disappointing i only end up hurting more over the thing i am trying to distract myself from in the first place. so instead of all that i am just going to work harder at caring less. at being who i am and finding people who love me for that. at being the best person, all around, that i can be. at being confidant in myself with out anyone giving me a reason to be. at conquering the issues that i was left with a year ago once and for all. at regaining my previous mentality that every day is a good day, some are just better than others. i still just need to find MYSELF.
goodnight i hope.
xoxo RE
